


oh take me back to the start

by realityfallsapart



Series: Winteriron Month 2020 [4]
Category: Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brief Smut, Getting Back Together, Grief/Mourning, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Post-Break Up, Some Fluff, super brief discussions of war/ptsd and stuff, theyre both real emo in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:14:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23038426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realityfallsapart/pseuds/realityfallsapart
Summary: When Bucky saw him again, would he be satisfied with the closure of one last afternoon together and be content in letting Tony go forever? Would he had finally come to his senses and wish he had never made that promise to Tony all those years ago? Would he be disgusted with the fortune belonging to Tony, with the man he had become? Would he show up at all?Part of Tony scoffed, thinking about how he would rather Bucky ditch him than bring a new partner for Tony to meet, but that was just another lie—Tony was still pathetically grasping at any scrap of Bucky that he could get his hands on.It's been five years and Tony is still mourning the loss of the love of his life.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark
Series: Winteriron Month 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1641676
Comments: 8
Kudos: 187
Collections: WinterIron Month 2020





	oh take me back to the start

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prompt fill for Winteriron Month 2020 on SFW Friday  
> Fic fills the prompt: TROPE/AU: Post Breakup
> 
> Hope you like it!

God did Tony need a fucking _drink._

He must have looked like it too because the stewardess didn't even blink before giving him a _"right away, Mr. Stark"_ as soon as he had asked for the strongest thing they had on board, followed up with a " _don't bother if you only have whiskey, I don't drink that_." 

Tony sighed, leaning back into his seat and trying to relax, but he could feel a migraine blooming right behind his eyes, and while Tony was an expert bullshitter even he had his limits. Trying to tell himself that everything was fine right now wasn't even in the realm of truth—it was so wildly untrue that Tony was certain that he needed a stronger phrase than _"lying through my goddamn teeth"_ to try and describe it properly. 

Whatever. 

It didn't matter. 

Fuck, maybe, well, no it really- 

"Your drink?" 

Tony nearly jumped out of his seat when the stewardess appeared at his side, handing him a full glass. 

"Thanks," he muttered, taking the drink and having to physically restrain himself from chugging it down. 

"We do have vodka on board, sir, but normally patrons don't like to drink it straight. I can see about something to mix it with if you'd like?" 

Tony waved her away, trying his best to give her a thankful smile. It probably looked like a grimace. 

"This brandy 's fine, thanks." 

He'd break out the vodka later right before they landed, but god, right now he just wanted to be left _alone._

Tony didn't even realize that she had left. He was already thinking of what—of _who—_ he would see by the end of the day. 

_Fuck._

* * *

Bucky was halfway through getting himself together for work when his phone rang. 

"What the hell do ya want, Stevie?" 

"Morning to you too, jerk." 

"Shut up, punk." Bucky pinned the phone between his shoulder and ear as he threaded his belt through the loops of his pants. 

"Bite me. You know what today is, right?" 

Bucky leaned his hip up against his bed and felt how his grip tightened on the phone in his hand. For a minute they were both silent. 

"I think we both know the answer to that, so why don't you say what you obviously have to get off your chest and let me do somethin' today." 

"Today is the five year anniversary."

"Yeah." 

"Are you….I mean, I _know_ how important this whole thing, how important _he_ is to you, but I know that you're still trying to get over everything and all that." 

"Spit it out, Steve." 

"Are you going to go? Like have you _actually_ thought everything through and all that." 

Bucky didn't answer at first, but then the silence stretched wider and wider as Bucky's heart started to hurt in his chest. 

"Bucky? You still there?" 

Steve's voice was quiet and delicate over the phone, like he could see the physical pieces of Bucky's heart splintered in his chest. 

"Yeah. I'm here," he managed. 

"You don't have to go, Buck, you know that right? I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't, but I'm just putting it out there. I know how much you keep beating yourself up over it and I know how much you miss him, but you've worked really hard to get where you are. I remember what you were like when everything happened, and Buck? I never want to see you that hurt ever again." 

There was rustling over the speakers, and Bucky still didn't have his voice back. 

"I think that you should go, but only if you think that you're going to be alright. I know that this is important to you, but you don't owe him anything. Don't do it for him." 

"I-" Bucky stopped, swallowed nothing, and tried to gather his thoughts, "I'm going to go," he said quietly. 

"Yeah?" 

"I need to see him again. I can't go the rest of my life thinking about what could have happened, Steve. I'm going to go." 

"Good." 

Steve sounded pleased and like Bucky had said exactly what he had thought he would, and Bucky breathed out, rolling back his shoulders. 

Today was the day. 

* * *

_"What's a pretty thing like you doin' all alone?"_

_Tony cocked his eyebrow at the guy approaching him._

_"Maybe I'm hiding from all of the pick-up artists like yourself," Tony responded, pouring on the attitude and sass to make up for the fact that this guy's blue eyes were making Tony_ **_sweat_ ** _. Fuck._

_He brought his cup to his mouth and took a large gulp from his beer. Alcohol was liquid courage and all that, plus he just really fucking needed something to do with his hands._

_The guy smirked, just a bit of white teeth slipping out. Tony both prayed for Rhodey to come back so he could save Tony before he did something stupid like swoon, yet he also wanted nothing more than for Rhodey to forget all about him and leave him with this stranger with his perfect face and all._

_"I wouldn't call myself a pick-up artist, doll."_

_"Then what would you call yourself?"_

_"James Barnes, but you can call me Bucky."_

_Tony couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out of him. He also couldn't help but catch the wide smile Bucky sent his way in reciprocation._

_"That was smooth, I'll give you that."_

_"Mind if I join ya?"_

_"As a drinking partner, maybe."_

_It wasn't that Tony wasn't interested because_ **_fuck_ ** _what Tony wouldn't give to work Bucky's shirt off of his body and lick those goddamn muscles, but Tony didn't really do hook-ups. He had spent his whole life feeling discarded and worthless because of his shit father, and while they weren't related at all, Tony always associated the morning after so strongly with being rejected that the sex wasn't worth it to him. It always felt like he had burned through his worth and exceeded his welcome when the sun finally rolled back around._

_Bucky smiled wide, and it was beautiful._

_"I'd be happy to, darlin'."_

* * *

Tony jerked awake when his phone slipped out of his hand and landed on his foot. It hadn't hurt, but he cursed wildly anyways. The words made his racing heart and shaking hands feel better. 

Tony tucked himself as far into the seat as he could go and pulled out his Stark Industries tablet—nothing hooked his attention like his engineering, and he _needed_ to stop thinking about Bucky. At this rate, he'll be going from the plane to checking into a psych ward as soon as he landed from a breakdown. 

(there's another one of his lies—there's so many now, aren't there? Because Tony learned long, _long_ ago that nothing can take his mind away from James, from his Bucky—) 

* * *

_Tony is talking about his latest project, a robot that he's building that will end up being able to be coded to do chores and help around in a house._

_"-and I know that I still need to work out all of the bugs, but he already wants to be so helpful! Well, I mean, he did try and poison me with a smoothie made out of motor oil, but it was an accident, DUM-E didn't mean it. Plus, I really-"_

_Bucky pulled Tony more into his lap, and Tony's rambling didn't even falter while Bucky manhandled him into a more comfortable position on their shitty couch. Instead of having his own space on the sofa, Tony's body was tucked into the crook of Bucky's arm and his legs were draped over Bucky's. Satisfied that he could hold Tony completely, Bucky curled a hand around one of Tony's ankles and rubbed the skin softly while Tony kept talking about his robot and all of the things he was going to do with it._

_They were still there two hours later when Steve came home from work._

_"Tony are you staying over tonight?" he asked, popping the tab on a soda and stealing the leftover pizza from the pie they had ordered earlier today._

_"I don't think Bucky's going to let go of me."_

_"Nope."_

_Steve rolled his eyes._

_"I can't believe I'm still waiting for you two to leave the honeymoon phase. Disgusting."_

_"Shut your mouth, Stevie, I've had to stumble across you and Peggy trying to suck each other faces off enough times to file for compensation. I think you can handle me holding my boyfriend."_

_"Oh relax, jerk."_

_"Punk."_

_Steve chugged the rest of his soda and recycled the empty can. He tipped his head to the two of them on the couch still._

_"Night, Tony. If you wake up before noon I'll make you pancakes. Bucky, try to not fuck him through the mattress all night, you've got eight-am's tomorrow and you're cranky without your beauty sleep."_

_Tony laughed and wished Steve good night while Bucky scowled, tossing some luke-warm insult over his shoulder at his punk-ass best friend._

_"You want to head to bed? I know you may not want to admit it but you like your sleep almost as much as me."_

_"It's only a little past ten, why don't you finish what you were telling me 'bout, alright, doll?"_

* * *

Bucky blinked back to attention when the little bell at the front desk was rung for a third time. Jumping up from his chair, Bucky emerged from the back office. 

"Sorry, what can I help you with?" 

The customer explains that they made an appointment for Bucky to check their transmission and the work is welcome to keep Bucky's mind off of… things. Things like fingers twisted around his and giggled kisses. 

Bucky pulls on gloves and grabs what he needs, glancing at the clock. 

Just about nine-thirty in the morning. 

Bucky may be taking off early so he can get cleaned up before driving down to the park, but the short day seems irrelevant when he has a feeling that today will drag long enough to border eternity. 

* * *

_"What do you need?"_

_For a shameful, terrible moment, Tony nearly told him to fuck right off. Fortunately, Tony didn't have the capability or the autonomy to use his vocal chords right now. They were just… not working. Nothing was._

_Instead of saying the biting words that he wanted, Tony was just silent._

_Bucky didn't say anything either, but he also didn't leave—Tony could feel the eyes on him, boring into his back, cracking Tony's pathetic and curled up form open, seeing the black in his lungs and the fury making him sick, the grief and confusion tearing him apart._

_The bedsprings shifting on Tony's shitty college bed was the only indication that Bucky had moved, and then there were arms gently winding their way around Tony's body, pulling him back up against Bucky._

_But Tony didn't want that—he didn't want to he held and shushed and placated, he wanted to scream and rip out his own fucking hair, drink the nearest bottle of jack and mix it with oxy, he wanted to hurt, he wanted to_ **_hurt._ **

_He did not deserve this, and he did not want it, and he tried to push Bucky's arms off of him, tried to struggle out of his grip and shove his way free, but no matter how many elbows Bucky caught and how many frustrated grunts that Tony let out, he didn't let Tony go. Instead, Bucky just held him for a moment, for two, and Tony's cries muffled through clenched teeth turned into sobs, and he_ **_still_ ** _couldn't bring himself to say anything._

 _"I've got you," Bucky murmured, turning Tony around and tucking him right under his chin. Strong arms freely found themselves holding Tony's shaking form close, and it was too much touch, too much stimulation, but at the same time it was not enough, he needed more, needed to feel Bucky around him completely so he would know that he was_ **_safe._ **

_God, what a stupid thought. Safe? He needed to feel safe? From what, a fucking corpse? Howard was dead, he won't be saying a damn thing to Tony now._

_When had Tony started crying? All of the sudden he was gasping through his tears and Bucky was still just_ **_there_ ** _._

_Something sounded like a wounded animal, and Tony had a sinking suspicion that it was him._

_Bucky still didn't say anything._

_Dead. Howard was_ **_dead._ ** _Gone, drunk and high on three separate drugs when he ended up wrapping his truck around a tree on the side of the road, and the amount of times that he had wished for that bastard's death was too high for him to try and count. Every biting remark, every slap, every hit, every breakdown, Tony remembered everything, and it all haunted him. Fuck. Howard had torn Tony apart time after time, and Tony_ **_hated_ ** _him for everything he had done, everything he had taken away and destroyed, all of the pain he had beaten into Tony's short life._

 _Tony had nightmares and he still couldn't drink whiskey without flashing back, couldn't handle the smell of cigarettes and loathed anything to do with poker. He was in therapy and had so many fucking issues because of him, he was so_ **_weak_ ** _because of him, yet here he was angry and sad and so fucking lost. Pathetic._

_Bucky kissed the top of his head, humming something soft and Russian under his breath._

_For some reason, it broke Tony._

_Bucky had to sit them up because Tony was choking on his tears._

_Tony wanted to scream at Howard, yell and rage about all of the misery and anguish that Tony has dragged himself through. He wanted to make Howard hurt as much as he had made Tony hurt, but he was dead, and the chance at validation, at acknowledgement that everything that had happened was_ **_Howard's_ ** _fault,_ **_not_ ** _Tony's was up in smoke. He would never make Howard understand what he had done._

_And while Tony knew that their relationship could have never been salvaged, part of him still mourned at the loss of his father, at someone who had been tasked with protecting and loving him, and had failed. He mourned the life that he never had, the love he never got, and as Tony sobbed, Bucky just held him tight._

_It's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay it'sokayit'skayit'skayit's-_

_Tony didn't know if the words were Bucky's or if it was his own subconscious breaking down, but he also didn't care. Tony just clutched at Bucky's sweatshirt tighter and shook._

* * *

Tony swallowed his third Advil, rubbing at his temples. 

"Do you need anything, Mr. Stark?" 

"Please don't call me that. Tony is fine," he managed, his voice whispery and not sounding quite right. And Tony would have to leave her a huge tip because she just nodded, said " _sure thing, Tony,"_ and left him like he so needed. 

Feeling like a dog licking his wounds, Tony desperately put in his headphones. He had a playlist for when he started thinking about Howard that helped to keep him grounded— _ha, ironic, I'm on a bloody plane_ —and he didn't use it too often anymore, but he also didn't have Bucky around to hold him as he fell apart. 

* * *

_Tony threw his head back and moaned, hips stuttering as he sat himself fully on Bucky's cock. Hissing, Bucky clamped his hands onto Tony's hips and held him steady, held him_ **_still_ ** _._

_"Wait," he breathed, "you need to wait."_

_Tony whined and tried to move, but Bucky was too strong for Tony to break his grip and they both knew it._

_"Bucky, Bucky_ **_please,_ ** _oh god please, I need you, Bucky I_ **_need_ ** _you." Tony gasped, leaning down and kissing Bucky desperately, like he was hungry. Bucky rocked his hips up just a little, then again and again, the pace slow and deep to open Tony up fully around his cock. He took command over their kiss and kept his control over Tony's hips firm. Sucking one last breathy moan from Tony's lips, Bucky let him go and laid back, his hands slipping down to rest on Tony's thighs._

_"Ride me, doll. Show me how pretty you look on my cock."_

_Tony hissed out something that Bucky couldn't make out and then he was riding Bucky hard, mouth open and panting, hands pressed to Bucky's chest, moaning and gasping._

_Bucky let Tony take what he wanted, and then when Tony's thighs burned too much to keep up with the speed he craved, the_ **_roughness_ ** _which Tony wanted, Bucky flipped them and pinned Tony to the bed, sucking a deep bruise onto Tony's neck as Bucky made him moan, made him come, made him see_ **_stars_ ** _._

* * *

Sam took the wrench out of his hand and pushed him towards the door, demanding him to leave already. 

"Man, I love you, but you've been staring at the wall for the past five minutes. Your shift ends in twenty, and I don't care if you're my boss, you're in my way. The shop'll be fine, go on, I'll see you on Monday, alright?" 

Bucky had a feeling that his hands were shaking. 

* * *

_"Open your eyes!"_

_Tony stepped back and watched Bucky's mouth drop._

_"Doll?"_

_"I know, I know, I should have asked, but I kind of wanted it to stay a surprise? Anyways, I got it all done professionally, so you don't have to worry about some rando touching your guitar. It's been refinished and I had the guy fix the neck and your bridge, and everything's been cleaned and oiled and all sorts of other things. Oh! I also got it re-stringed for you, the expensive ones and everything. There's another pair in your case already for when you need them, and I sewed that rip on your strap for you. Now you don't have to have so many safety pins holding it together."_

_Tony felt his voice trail off a little when Bucky still didn't give him much of a reaction besides open-mouthed staring. He bit at his lip, shifting from foot to foot. Tony hadn't gotten him a new guitar specifically because Bucky loved his with his whole heart—it had been a gift from his ma when he was five, and the acoustic was probably the most important thing he owned. So instead, Tony had taken it to the most professional shop around and had the owner give it the works._

_Finally, Bucky snapped out of his reverie and turned to Tony, his look unreadable._

_"How did you… Tony the money… "_

_Tony frowned and stepped forward, shushing him before wrapping his hands around one of Bucky's and tugging him towards his guitar._

_"My new job pays me a lot better, remember?"_

_"You were going to save it for a new set of tools, the fancy ones that you've wanted since forever, Tony, doll,_ **_why_ ** _would you spend it on me?"_

_"Because I wanted to give you something nice, and I love you."_

_"Tony-"_

_"Shhh, don't. Do you like it?"_

_"Yes, god, of course-"_

_"Then that's more than enough for me."_

_Bucky kissed him hard, deeply, and in a rush. Tony just held on for the ride, trying his best to keep up with Bucky's kisses in between whispered thankyous upon thankyous._

_Later that night Bucky treated him to the best performance of his life, worshiping him first with chords and plucked melodies and sung words, and then with his hands and his lips._

* * *

Tony stared down at the picture on his phone. 

He had known that looking at the album sitting in the dusty corners of his storage was a bad idea, yet there he was, tracing the angle of Bucky's jaw with his eyes, heart aching as he drank in their smiles, their happiness, their love. 

It had been a stupid selfie Bucky had surprised Tony with, his newly refurbished guitar in the background. 

It had been Tony's homescreen for months. 

Tony feels something crack in his chest. 

* * *

_They both stared at the screen of Tony's phone. On it was an email from Obadiah Stane with the details that Tony had asked for in regards to the job he had offered him. Stane had showed up a few days ago to the yearly exhibit the engineer majors put together to showcase their senior projects. He had been so impressed with Tony's AI JARVIS that he had nearly shoved a contract into Tony's hands then and there._

_Bucky reread the whole thing again._

_Massive benefits, a_ **_huge_ ** _salary, head of R &D, creative freedom, all in- _

_"California. Bucky, this is in California, as in across the whole fucking country." Tony breathed out sharply, pushing the phone away from him. He got up abruptly and started to pace._

_"This is exactly what I wanted, no, this is_ **_more_ ** _that I ever thought I even wanted. Okay, sure, maybe I've thought about having my own company or something, but that would have never happened, you know? I knew I would get stuck in some regular job probably designing computer software or something just as stupid just for the money, but holy fuck, with this I can_ **_do something_ ** _with my life! I can help people, my work can mean something, I can be someone, I…"_

_Tony trailed off and bit at his lip, arms crossed over his chest. Bucky frowned, knowing where this conversation was going to go immediately. He stood from the table and stepped into Tony's pathway, catching him as he walked right into Bucky's chest, oblivious to Bucky's movement._

_"You already are someone, sweetheart, you don't have to prove anything."_

_Tony's head snapped up and he scowled, shoving Bucky's hands off of him._

_"No I'm not. I make some things on the weekends and work at the diner to pay for college. This is my chance to actually do something with my life besides become the next drunk, coked-up, piled-in-debt Howard who is worth absolutely nothing. I can't do that, Bucky, I can't. I need to do something bigger than myself, to make a difference, and I can't do that in this crappy college apartment."_

_"Tony, you're_ **_not_ ** _going to become the next Howard whether you take this job or not."_

 **_"You don't know that!"_ ** _Tony yelled, his hands up in his hair, wrapped around the roots._

_Bucky closed the distance between them in two strides and gently took Tony by the wrists, making him relax his harsh grip._

_"I_ **_do!_** _" Bucky said, nearly just as loud as Tony had been to make sure that it sunk into Tony's brain. He immediately brought his volume down. "Anthony Edward Stark, I_ **_know_ ** _you, and I know that you would_ **_never_ ** _become that goddamn bastard. You are too good of a person, too good of a man, to even_ **_think_ ** _about half of the shit he's pulled. It doesn't matter if you do nothing but tinker on the weekends and work some boring job for the rest of your life, you'll still be a million times better than Howard. Your worth and morals are_ **_not_ ** _based on if you have a fancy job in California or not."_

_Tony looked like he wanted to believe Bucky, but that there were still parts of him that didn't. Sighing, Bucky folded Tony into his arms._

_He understood Tony's all-consuming need to be someone, he really did. Howard had drilled it into Tony's head that he was nothing and that he would also never be anything, and Tony had a craving to prove him wrong and to rub it in his face. Tony kept trying to grab at every opportunity that he could to help people, to show his brilliance, to improve the lives of others, and as much as he succeeded, it wasn't enough for him._

_Ever since Tony had escaped from Howard's grasp, he had been trying to find himself and heal, had been trying to scream that Howard was_ **_wrong_ ** _, and part of that was the feral need to become and do whatever Howard said that he couldn't. In this case, it was the fact that Tony was determined to not live as a nobody._

_Tony still tied his value to the standards Howard had set and his ability to exceed them, and Bucky hated how much pressure he put on himself. He hated how much pressure Howard had put on Tony, and how much he was still putting on him even now that he's dead and gone._

_More than anything, Bucky hated how he can't do anything for Tony besides be there._

_"I think you should take this," Bucky whispers, "not because of Howard, but because of how much you can help other people. I know that deep down that's the root of everything you do, and you can make such a difference in the world. You're not going to get another opportunity like this, Tones, and it'll be so good for you."_

_Tony wrapped his arms around Bucky's back._

_"You can't come with me. Your mom needs you here and I would never take you away from here, but I_ **_can't_ ** _lose you, Bucky I can't-"_

 _"Hey, who said anything about losing me, doll? Just because you might be in California for most of the time doesn't mean I'm gone. You're not going to_ **_ever_ ** _get rid of me, alright?"_

_Tony's hands were shaking, and Bucky had a feeling that his would be too if they weren't clutched onto Tony so hard._

_"Alright."_

* * *

Bucky leaned his head against the tile of the shower, the water turned too hot, but Bucky didn't really care if it burned. He still had some extra time before he had to get ready and right now all of the memories were too much. 

Tony had left for California three weeks later, and in the beginning everything was more than fine. But things had kept piling and soon it was too much for them to try and ignore, and it broke them apart and tore Bucky's heart to shreds. 

He remembers the morning that the news had broadcasted Obadiah Stane being led away in handcuffs for murder, treason, money laundering, and all sorts of other offenses, and he still has the hole in his wall where he had punched through the plaster when he had thought about Tony trying to save the world and getting mixed up in all of Stane's shit, thought about Tony leaving everything in New York behind for a dream and getting it destroyed. 

Thought about how Bucky had lost Tony for what? A lying sack of shit who was responsible for the deaths of thousands? 

Because at the end of the day it didn't matter if Tony saved the world or not when Bucky could no longer call him his. 

* * *

_"Who're you texting, Tony? A pretty girl?"_

_Tony looked up from his phone and gave Obadiah a sheepish smile as he clicked the screen off. Bucky had been texting him, asking if Tony had time to skype tonight. When Tony said that he was busy, Bucky asked if he could make an exception, even if it was just for a minute because_ **_"it's been so long since I've seen you and I miss you, doll, I'm worried."_ ** _Tony could admit that he's been brushing Bucky off recently, but he's been trying to not only stay in Obadiah's good graces, but also show that he can be the best employee Obadiah has. He needed to show Obadiah that he was worth the risk that he had taken on Tony. He needed to show him how much he was worth._

_So what if Tony had forgotten a couple of calls? He's been working and inventing his days away. And it's not like Bucky was the only thing that he was forgetting—Tony could admit that he had lost weight because he was forgetting to eat and sleep in between projects._

_(That little tid-bit had gone over_ **_swimmingly_ ** _when he had told Bucky. He's been getting worried texts more and more recently as the time between Tony's apologies and Bucky's unanswered good mornings stretched.)_

_Tony was the head of R &D, it was expected that he worked the hardest—Obadiah expected that he worked the hardest—and Tony wasn't about to disappoint the man. He could take some long nights, it was fine. _

_Because honestly? What other employee had been up here in Obadiah's private office for a personal thank you?_

_Obadiah pressed a drink into Tony's hand, but the alcohol swishing in the crystal glass made his stomach turn. He started to say no, but Obadiah just kept smiling, refusing to take the glass back._

_"C'mon, Tony, I'm trying to congratulate my favorite employee on his roaring success. You aren't going to waste my scotch, are you?"_

_Tony just stared at him for a moment, and he was four, Howard growling at him to stop being an ungrateful brat when Tony had cried at having to eat a half-cooked hot dog for the fourth day in a row. He was hungry, he needed something more, but he didn't understand why his dad could eat whatever he wanted and Tony's stomach had to hurt so bad._

**_"You'll be happy with what I fucking give you, brat."_**

_Tony dug his fingernails into his palm and gritted his teeth, pushing down the panic flooding through his head and just barely stopping himself from running out of the room and calling Bucky,_ **_needing_ ** _Bucky-_

_Tony took a deep breath, tripped his head back, and drank._

* * *

Tony was so jittery that he nearly forgot to grab his suitcase. 

But soon enough he was in a taxi and leaning back in his seat as soft rock played through the old car speakers. He had toyed with getting his own car to pick him up, but he didn't want to draw attention to himself, and everyone traveled by taxi in New York anyways. 

He knew that Bucky was probably well aware about the fact that he had his own company and was the CEO and founder of Stark Industries, the leading technology company in the world and responsible for cleaning up Obadiah's mess as well as the messes of other billionaires. Bucky probably couldn't make it two feet outside without hearing or seeing one of his products, and _god_ that had to be annoying. 

Tony had been the one to break up with him and Bucky still couldn't escape him. 

In about twenty minutes, Tony would be seeing Bucky again for the first time in five years. Bucky had made him promise when Tony tried to end things that they would meet up and see where life took them. Who cared if they had found someone else or were married or had changed? They could find each other one more time and see where it took them, see if they could be friends and maybe go on a double date, or see what happened if they were both single. That's what Bucky had said—he hadn't cared what might happen in the future, but he had made it clear that even though Tony was cutting all contact with him, he still wanted Tony in his life in the future in any way Tony would let him. 

He wondered if Bucky still felt the same. 

When Bucky saw him again, would he be satisfied with the closure of one last afternoon together and be content in letting Tony go forever? Would he had finally come to his senses and wish he had never made that promise to Tony all those years ago? Would he be disgusted with the fortune belonging to Tony, with the man he had become? Would he show up at all? 

Part of Tony scoffed, thinking about how he would rather Bucky ditch him than bring a new partner for Tony to meet, but that was just another lie—Tony was still pathetically grasping at any scrap of Bucky that he could get his hands on. 

It's been five years and Tony is still mourning the loss of the love of his life. 

* * *

_Steve shook his shoulder to get his attention._

_"Come on, we're shipping out."_

_Bucky grabbed his bag and stood, and he knew that Steve was following him._

_It had been nearly three months since Tony had broken it off between them. Bucky had fought like hell to try and get Tony to realize that they could still fix their relationship, but he was stubborn and scared and being his normal, self-sacrificing self._

_Tony had distanced himself a lot in the weeks since he had left, and Bucky knew that most of it was because he was being run ragged trying to get projects done before deadlines, trying to prove himself, trying, trying, trying. He was disappearing from everyone more and more, the stretches of silence growing day by day, and his self-worth was plummeting. Bucky could see it every time they had skyped and all of the tired phone calls they shared after work. It was the work, the stress, the new environment and the isolation and damn it all if it wasn't because of Obadiah because Bucky_ **_knew_ ** _that he was a lying sack of-_

_Tony wasn't taking care of himself physically or mentally, and he was breaking._

_And what Tony did when he broke was break everything else._

_Tony had told him that he didn't want Bucky to be tied down with someone who didn't give him any attention, someone who wasn't what Bucky deserved, someone who was more trouble than he was worth, someone someone someone. And no matter how much he had cried or yelled or pleaded for Tony to just_ **_try,_ ** _please doll just_ **_try,_ ** _it still ended up with them both sobbing into their phones as Tony hung up._

_Bucky had never felt so hopeless in his life, so powerless. The man that he loved was self destructing miles and miles away and when he needed Bucky the most Bucky couldn't even convince him to stay._

_Looking back, the decision was a jerk-of-the-knee one, an impulse that Bucky ended up following through on in some stupid need to do… something. He couldn't explain it, but at the time it had felt right._

_He had never liked the army, but now that his ma wasn't sick anymore and Tony was gone he signed up ten days later. Steve had tried to talk him out of it, but when Bucky stood his ground he just joined right there with him._

_As Bucky handed his bag off before getting on the plane, he wondered if he would die at war. He had made Tony promise to meet with him in five years, at that one spot in Central Park that they liked to eat snow cones at. It was Bucky trying to grasp at a second chance with Tony. He was sure that someone else would scoop up his genius—god knows that anyone would be crazy to pass him up—and he wondered how much it would hurt when he saw Tony again and to be damned to only be friends._

_He wondered if he would survive to see Tony again at all._

_And some dark, twisted part of Bucky hoped that he didn't make it out alive._

* * *

Bucky put the kickstand down on his motorcycle and took his helmet off. He stubbornly ignored the second helmet that he had strapped to the side. It was Tony's old one, and no matter how many times he tried to tell his stupid heart that Tony wouldn't want to ride back to Bucky's apartment with him, he couldn't stop himself from bringing it with him anyways. 

Bucky breathed in and out a few times, trying to stop the shaking of his hands. 

It was hot enough outside to make Bucky sweat in his jacket even without the anxiety ramping up his heartbeat, but he didn't dare take the thing off. What would Tony think when he saw that he had a prosthetic arm? What would he think when he found out that Bucky had gone off to war in some kind of fucked-up suicidal quest to be more than useless and helpless? 

What would Tony think when he found out that Bucky was stuck in the same damn place Tony had left him while he had landed among the goddamn stars?

Would Tony even want to get back together? Be friends? 

Would Tony even want _him?_

* * *

Tony found Bucky sitting on their bench, two blue raspberry snow cones in his hands, leg bouncing. 

For a minute, all he did was stare. 

Bucky was more muscular and his hair was noticeably longer even if it was tied back at the moment. He was dressed in jeans and an unzipped leather jacket, showing his white t-shirt underneath. Paired with the dark hair, powerful boots, and shoulders wide enough to make Tony's look damn near feminine, he looked like he belonged on the motorcycle that Tony just knew he still had. God he looked… _good._ So good. 

Tony's heart near burned when Bucky turned to him and smiled, those ice blue eyes just the same as Tony remembered. 

"Hi," Tony breathed once he got close. Bucky held out one of the snow cones and Tony couldn't take it fast enough. 

"Hi, Tony." 

* * *

Hours later, they'd find themselves in Bucky's apartment, taking turns sipping from the last Coke Bucky had in his fridge after talking each other through the past five years and what had torn them apart in the first place. 

For Tony, he couldn't explain how sorry he was for everything. He told Bucky about how easily he had fallen for Obadiah's manipulation, how he had pretty much destroyed everything good in his life by the time he had stumbled upon Obadiah's double dealing, explained how he had gotten Obadiah to jail, the drinking and the drugs, years of therapy, the work he put into building his company with the help of Pepper Potts, the woman that Tony virtually owed his sanity too after all of the craziness of his life. And with all of Tony's confessions, Bucky was sure to wipe away the tears and growl at every new revelation of fucked-up after fucked-up thing Obadiah had done, held him tighter as he revealed the self-destructive alcohol and drug haze he had created when everything fell apart. 

Afterwards, Bucky told Tony about the war, about the explosion that had taken his arm, the helplessness, the pain, the flashbacks and the PTSD, the breakdowns and the therapy. He talked about how much Steve was there for him, about the repair shop he had opened, about how Sam and Clint were still around and working for him, and how he was doing alright, how he was healing. And Tony held him tighter through the explanations, rubbed his back when his voice caught and cried with him when everything hurt too much. 

They were both broken, but no matter how much they tried to explain this to the other, it didn't seem to matter. Even with Tony's past sins Bucky still looked him in the eye and kissed him. Even with Bucky's scars and irrational fears, Tony still wrapped his hands around Bucky's metal arm and swore to make him the best prosthetic in the world, promised that no damage could ever make Tony stop loving him. 

It was pushing two am now, but neither of them cared. 

They had been waiting five years to break the silence between them forged with pain and misery, blocked and deleted numbers, mistakes and sorrow. And now? Now they weren't going to let one another go for the world. 

"God do I fucking love you," Tony murmured, clutching at Bucky in his tiny kitchen. His voice was wobbly and the lump that had been in his throat all day was still there, but he couldn't remember the last time he had felt this happy. 

_That's a lie; I remember it perfectly. The last time I felt like this was five years ago._

"I love you too, doll, holy _fuck_ do I love you too. Never stopped and I'm not gonna now," Bucky whispered through the tears rolling down his face. He had to be crushing Tony with how hard he was holding him, but he wasn't about to let go now, not for anything. 

Tony only held him tighter. 

* * *

_Bucky let his fingers trail over Tony's jaw, the soft skin warm to the touch. Tony smiled._

_"You're always so affectionate after you fuck my brains out."_

_"Lies. I'm_ **_always_ ** _affectionate with you regardless as to how hard I fuck you."_

_Tony laughed and rolled onto his side so they were face to face. The smile on his face was so wide and loving, and Bucky wanted to keep Tony that happy for the rest of their lives._

_Tony curled his fingers through Bucky's. Not ten minutes ago Tony had been damn near screaming Bucky's name as he came, and now he was nothing but softness rolled up in the golden light of the morning sun, precious and gentle, near bashful as Bucky kept looking at him._

_Holy_ **_fuck_ ** _did Bucky love him._

_"Do you think we'll last, Bucky?" The words had been very obviously blurted out, and he instantly realized what he said and tried to backtrack. "Actually, that might be a weird question, sorry, don't answer-"_

_Bucky shushed him and pulled him close, tucking Tony under his chin and pressing a dozen kisses to the top of his head._

_"Forever, doll. I'm going to take care of you forever."_

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr [here](https://phony-stony.tumblr.com/), or you can reblog this fic [here](https://phony-stony.tumblr.com/post/611873347538681856/oh-take-me-back-to-the-start) on tumblr!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it, comments and kudos fuel me so please tell me what you think!!! I take prompts on here or on tumblr too fyi.
> 
> Stick around for the following month, I've got a whole list of things to post for you guys :)


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